rambling ramblings

So my surgery stuff got turned into insurance on Friday. I'm so impatient. I want to call and check on it already. I just want some sort of closure on all this. Would be nice to have my surgery before Jan.

I am becoming a man hater. I know its wrong, but its true. I don't want to be one, but I think it is ineveitable.

And just some advice to the general public...WIPE YOUR ASS!!! Shit in your butt crack is very unsexy. Seriously. Guys think fat is unsexy. Try looking at a glop of shit all sticky and nasty in someones butt crack. Kind of kills the mood.

LOVE IT

I have found a new blog that I just love. It is "Food, Fatness, and life after RNY". I have been watching Monica on you tube, but just now discovered her blog she started after her recent surgery. I know NO ONE reads my blog, and that just might be ok, but if someone does read this, check her out. There's a link to her blog in my "blog list" on the side. She is beautiful, funny, and freaking smart!!!! I am pretty much done with the you tube thing. Will most likely take my videos down and just subscribe to lebronjamesblitz and icanhascheeseburger. I was looking at "Working on Freedom" blog, who also has you tube videos. She put a video on her blog, maybe I will do that. Maybe not, who knows, who cares. Not going to stress about it.

More sex dreams

I don't know whats going on, but by the end of the playoffs I should have had a sex dream about everyone one of the Cavs. Maybe even Mike Brown the way I'm going. Last night it was Sasha, and it was GOOD! So crazy. Not sure what this says about me, but I'm just going to enjoy it in my dreams since I'm not getting any in real life.

AH HA

I had a bit of an AH HA moment the other night. It actually turned into a bit of an emotional meltdown. I have let my mom and dad effect so many aspects of my life. There is so much of what they didn't give me that I needed. It finally all came to a head the other night. I brought all of out and confronted myself about it. I acknowledged the impact it was having. Now it's time to take my life back, and provide all those things for myself. Nuture myself.

Dreams - Wild and Wonderful Dreams

So two nights ago I had a freaky dream about a guy at work who went into the ladies room by accident. I was in the stall doing my business, and he walks in all agitated and he starts washing his hands. I see through the cracks who it is, and I think I’ll just sit here al quiet, let him do his thing and leave then come out. Well he turns around and goes in the stall beside me. At this point he realizes that he is in the wrong bathroom. He starts yelling and cussing and banging on my stall door. He’s screaming at me wanting to know why I let him stay in there when I knew that he was in the wrong bathroom. He starts peaking through the cracks trying to see who I am. He was screaming at me to tell him who I was. He was calling me all kinds of names and stuff. Then he starts to leave the bathroom, and he says, “Don’t tell me who you are…I know your fat so it won’t be too hard to pick you out.” I woke up at that point. It was a disturbing dream. I woke up very upset, and it keeps playing in my mind. The whole thing was about my weight, and how it has affected me. It makes me sad to tell it back again.

Then last night I have the opposite dream. I was marring Benjamin Bratt. It was like a big ole traditional wedding. I had a bouquet with white flowers and ivy draping down. I had a white strapless dress with a big full skirt, like I had a hoop slip on, that kind of full skirt. I kept running back and forth between looking in at the church and going back to talk and kiss with Benjamin. I remember being so extra extra happy. I was giggling like a little school girl. He was all calm cool and collected, laid back, putting his tux one. Then it started steaming up. I remember talking to him about not feeling like I could wait until that night, to make love to my husband. He said, “ let’s have one last fling as a boyfriend and girlfriend”. He put his hands on my waist and lifted me up onto a counter that was in the room. I remember him kissing my neck and chest, while his hands were under my skirt and up my legs. It was HOT!!!!! I wrapped my legs around him, and we got busy. The thing is, just like the other dream, it was about my weight. It was about being skinny, and wanting to be able to do that someday, to have a man lift me, to be able to wrap my legs around him and lock him in position. And that Tantric position I saw the other day, oh yea, that is so totally happening. Yabyum or something. Thing is I have to be super duper picky this time. I want it to be making love not having sex. I want the connection and desire and passion. Not just an urge to reach an orgasm. I want the journey to be just as important as the destination.

Quote of the week

And forget not that the earth delights to feel your bare feet and the winds long to play with your hair.

Kahlil Gibran

I am so ready for spring to have finally really sprung, and for it to get warm and sunny.

Nonesense, complete and utter nonesense

4 more hours until freedom!!!! I can't wait to sleep in tomorrow. Nobody is here today, so lots is getting done. I've go so much mulling over in my mind, I just don't know where to begin. I'm glad there's a basketball game tonight to get my mind on to something else. Maybe having a couple of days off will help clear my mind out a little. I have feeling of being settled, I feel like I know what the answers are, but than I start to second guess myself. I tell myself I have said I knew the right path before and have been very wrong. Why should this be any different, but I think it is. I just think I need to determine which thoughts are coming from the truth and which are from lies. None of this really makes any sense. I'm going to go get some water and just keep working.