I need to vent some anger

F*** YOU! The world does not revolve around you. Get over yourself. I'm so sorry if you have been disturbed. I am not sure what kind of PMS psychotic episode you are having right now, but if it is that bad, stay the hell home. No reason for the rest of us to have to deal with you. I know in your world I may just be an insignificant speck of a person, but trust me you are not much more than that in my world. You have judged me, and made me feel bad for the last time. I will no longer give you the power.



I sort of feel better now.

Some follow up info

So I met with my surgeon on Friday. Everything went great. I had my official weigh in that has me at 311 lbs. Go me!! Now I have to loose 20 lbs in the next 6 months and I won't have to do their special meal replacement diet before surgery. I totally expect to be able to do that. I need to get better at food logging. I am going to worry about one day at a time and after the first 7 days straight that I remember to log I am going to buy a new book. Most likely a cookbook I have been looking at. I think part of my problem is that I make it way to difficult. I make it so complicated that I get tired of it. So I am just doing a basic what I ate list, no weights or measurements yet. Maybe I will add that stuff once I make it a habit. So with that note, I am going to switch blogs and log what I have eaten so far today.

My new roommates.

So I had a new family move in with me. I have taken some pictures to share and am trying to upload them to Picasa now. Click here to view them. They are the first four pictures. The other pictures are of my cats, Jenny, and my bathroom (better known as Clintonville). The new babies are so gosh darn cute. I couldn't help myself and I did hold two of them. Went and saw the surgeon on Friday, I will blog more about that later. Goodnight.

I have been thinking about something my psych told me the other day. We were discussing some of the issues I have that I would like to address and she she started talking about being overweight. It is hard for me to call my self fat or overweight. I know I am, but I just have a hard time saying it. What struck me was how she talked about it in such a calm and non judgemental way. She said everyone has problems, no ones perfect, but the problem with obesity is that everyone can see it. Most people can hide their problems, and only those who are close, or intimate get a real glimpse of the faults. And unfortunately we are such an appearance based society, rather than being seen as having a problem that they need help with, obese people are seen in a negative light.


Then tonight I was catching up on this weeks Dr. Phil shows and I watched a program about anorexia and bulimia. And at one point he included obesity in his discussion about eating disorders. Why is it when we see someone who is obviously anorexic or bulimic, everyone wants to help, there is empathy and grief. But when they see an obese person they assume they are lazy, and out of control. The same issues lie at the core of both problems, but people who are obese are given no empathy and are looked upon negatively. It is seen as their fault, rather than a problem that they truly need help with. Everyone always says, if you just eat less and exercise more, you just need to try harder. But no one ever goes up to anorexic person and says, if you would just eat more and exercise less. No, we offer them in patient treatment and all kind of mental health help. WAKE UP, there are common emotional issued at work here world. Both groups of people have distorted self esteem and body images.

We also discussed my trust problems. There is literally not a single person in my life that I don't believed has talked about me behind my back. And I'm not talking about gossip kind of things, but making fun of me and the fact that I am fat. No one will ever know how incredible hard it is to live like this. To live feeling like there is no one who cherishes me. No one who knows me, and who accepts me for me, rather than always having to look past the chubby girl first.

Unfortunately I have become too comfortable with this isolation. It is so much easier just to close myself off, to keep everyone on the other side of this lovely brick wall I have built. But, this is not who I was created to be. This is the product of the flawed world we all live in. And it's time to take my life back. I have always bragged that I was in control of my life and I liked it that way, but the reality is that I allowed everyone in my life to control me. I let you have the power. The power to make me feel ugly and unwanted. You made me feel like behind that brick wall was the best place to be, because I was so disgusting that I couldn't possibly expect anyone to want to join me back here. Or accept me on the other side. Instead you would all be on your side, laughing and making jokes. Trying to climb over and get a peak at the freak.

WARNING!!!! Be prepared. The freak is quite handy around the house and she is about to break a window in the wall so she can see what is happening on the other side. And then as I slowly get better and more comfortable, I might just build a doorway so that I can join you when I want. And know, if you screw up, and make me want to shut that door again, you might not get a second chance. It is very likely you will be give a one way ticket out of my playground.

Damn I feel good having said that!! I think there is much more I want to say, but its not all clear in my head yet. But it will be, stay tuned.

I hate this crappy feeling

So I have felt like crap most of the day. Similar situation as what I posted on June 3rd. And now that it is almost 1:00, and I skipped lunch, I am starting to feeling better. I realized the common denominator on both days was a bag of raisin, nut mix out of the vending machine. Last week it what the same mix I got from the health fair. I sure as heck am going to stay the heck away from that stuff now. Not sure if it was that, or the crappy fast food I had for supper, I want to try and not have this kind of episode again.

I can't think of a title for this post. I went to the therapist last night. It was pretty intense. I am really ready for this. I think she is going to be a good fit. She is very nice and caring. I don't go back for another two weeks. It was nice to talk with someone about "stuff". I had a ton more to say last night, but was exhausted and went straight to bed instead. Now I don't really want to say anything more than what I have. Maybe I will feel differently tonight.

The good life

Strawberries topped with sweetened ricotta cheese --- does life get any better than this. It makes me want to lick the bowl. I would like to get some chocolate SF syrup to sweeted the ricotta with, I think that would be oh so good. I invited Em over for dinner one night. I should have shrimp kabobs, a nice salad, and some strawberry dessert, she loves strawberries.

Oh what an hour can do

Its been an hour since my last post and I feel completely different. It is very odd, according to my monitor my blood sugar is higher than before. It just doesn't make any sense. I think I might try to make some of eggface's bites for tomorrow. See how my blood sugar does with those in the AM.

Gloomy day

I feel like crap today. Sick to my stomach, my back is all whacked out again, its causing my legs to be all tingly like their falling asleep. My blood sugar readings are high, so I am guessing that is why I feel so tired and disoriented. I'm trying really hard to stay at work, but it hurts to even sit here. I hate feeling like this. I'm going straight to bed when I get home tonight. I will take one load of laundry down when I put Macey out this evening. Then one more load when I bring her in. That's it, other than that I am sleeping. With any luck I will feel perky again tomorrow.

Quote of the week

"Food is not good or bad, right or wrong, it just has consequences in your body."

I don't want to blog about this right now. But I didn't want to forget the quote. I might say more later.

It's burning my retinas

Clinton is THE MAN!!!! I have lights above my sink. Unfortunately you can now see, with much greater clarity, just how gross the sink and counter tops are. Maybe next year if I am lucky I will get that taken care of. Tonight is going to be busy finishing moving things around in the office so he can do windows, and tomorrow I might have at least one window that opens and even has a screen! How great is that.

I have had two dreams about Malinda in the past week. I wonder what that is all about? Not sure what they mean, both were very strange and a rehashing of old issues. Wonder if it means I am not really done dealing with the emotional fallout of that mess. Could be my way of cleansing my mind of it. Not sure. I wish I could have a nice Lebron James dream instead though, hubba hubba.

Oh the pain

I threw my back out on Friday while attempting to clean the basement. This morning I felt pretty good, and thought maybe it was going to get better soon. Now after spending more time in the crappy basement, my back is all stiff and messed up again. The office chair makes it worse, so no blog about Macey tonight. She is sweet, and I hope she eventually lightens up and enjoys herself here. I did find out that she doesn't like going down stairs, I had to carry her to the basement, which may be why my back started hurting again. Sleep tight, don't let the bed bugs bite.

Just need to get this off my chest

So Friday was my birthday. Today, Sunday, mom finally brought me my birthday present. Fat cloths from Walmart. GRRRRR. She doesn't get it. Never has never will. Thank God for my evening with Nancy and Clinton. That one evening made up for it. I think I wouldn't have minded the fat cloths if they were something decent. But they are old lady looking cheap stretchy yucky fat cloths. It takes me right back to 3rd grade when all she would buy me is corduroy pants. I wanted to have cloths like everyone else, and she would buy me dark green cords that were too small so the fat would roll over the top and they made noise when I walked. ZZEETT, ZZEETT, ZZEETT everywhere I went.

The present wasn't even wrapped, just shoved in the Walmart bag she got when she bought them. Now I crying like a 3rd grader. I'm totally taking them back and using the money for either a food scale, or a rug for my bathroom. I want to get rid of the shaggy thing Malinda gave me. The color is right, but the look and karma are all bad. Clintonville deserves the perfect rug!

Whew I fell better. I'll blog about Macey later today. She is so sweet, and wounded. That is a prerequisite for being part of my life anymore. Bruised, broken, but not bitter!!!