I have been thinking about something my psych told me the other day. We were discussing some of the issues I have that I would like to address and she she started talking about being overweight. It is hard for me to call my self fat or overweight. I know I am, but I just have a hard time saying it. What struck me was how she talked about it in such a calm and non judgemental way. She said everyone has problems, no ones perfect, but the problem with obesity is that everyone can see it. Most people can hide their problems, and only those who are close, or intimate get a real glimpse of the faults. And unfortunately we are such an appearance based society, rather than being seen as having a problem that they need help with, obese people are seen in a negative light.


Then tonight I was catching up on this weeks Dr. Phil shows and I watched a program about anorexia and bulimia. And at one point he included obesity in his discussion about eating disorders. Why is it when we see someone who is obviously anorexic or bulimic, everyone wants to help, there is empathy and grief. But when they see an obese person they assume they are lazy, and out of control. The same issues lie at the core of both problems, but people who are obese are given no empathy and are looked upon negatively. It is seen as their fault, rather than a problem that they truly need help with. Everyone always says, if you just eat less and exercise more, you just need to try harder. But no one ever goes up to anorexic person and says, if you would just eat more and exercise less. No, we offer them in patient treatment and all kind of mental health help. WAKE UP, there are common emotional issued at work here world. Both groups of people have distorted self esteem and body images.

We also discussed my trust problems. There is literally not a single person in my life that I don't believed has talked about me behind my back. And I'm not talking about gossip kind of things, but making fun of me and the fact that I am fat. No one will ever know how incredible hard it is to live like this. To live feeling like there is no one who cherishes me. No one who knows me, and who accepts me for me, rather than always having to look past the chubby girl first.

Unfortunately I have become too comfortable with this isolation. It is so much easier just to close myself off, to keep everyone on the other side of this lovely brick wall I have built. But, this is not who I was created to be. This is the product of the flawed world we all live in. And it's time to take my life back. I have always bragged that I was in control of my life and I liked it that way, but the reality is that I allowed everyone in my life to control me. I let you have the power. The power to make me feel ugly and unwanted. You made me feel like behind that brick wall was the best place to be, because I was so disgusting that I couldn't possibly expect anyone to want to join me back here. Or accept me on the other side. Instead you would all be on your side, laughing and making jokes. Trying to climb over and get a peak at the freak.

WARNING!!!! Be prepared. The freak is quite handy around the house and she is about to break a window in the wall so she can see what is happening on the other side. And then as I slowly get better and more comfortable, I might just build a doorway so that I can join you when I want. And know, if you screw up, and make me want to shut that door again, you might not get a second chance. It is very likely you will be give a one way ticket out of my playground.

Damn I feel good having said that!! I think there is much more I want to say, but its not all clear in my head yet. But it will be, stay tuned.