i lied

I know I said I wasn't going to post, but, well, I lied. Just had some thoughts and I wanted to put them down so I don't forget. Thinking about the intense emotional rollercoaster the happened yesterday. I am so burnt out today. Its like all my emotional energy was used up and I feel sort of like a tired empty shell today. I think of other times when I had emotional swings as intense as yesterday, and it is always the same afterwards. Going to do some looking on youtube ie bpd, see whats there. Haven't been real happy with what I have seen in the past, so we will just have to see whats there before I do mine. would like to do it on sunday

Weary

Yesterday was intense. I have had a couple of episodes like that lately. Not good!! I still have a bunch of stuff I want to blog about, but I think it's best if I wait a day or two. Let myself chill a little. I also think I need to consider getting away for a day or so. Nothing fancy or too expensive, but just away, even if it is only for a day. Get out of the general area for awhile. I am now realizing just how small my world has become. I think this is worse because spring fever is setting in. Tired of seeing the same four walls for months now. I am going to start videos, but they will focus on my BPD, not necessarily the WLS.

I'm crying out!!! Where are you!!! I need you!!!

I want so badly to get my shit together. No one can even imagine how much I want that. WHY am I my own worst enemy. I just can't seem to get it together. I'm so very tired of living like this...but for some reason I can't JUST FUCKING DO IT. I feel like I live two lives. The one that I show the outside world, then the screwed up, lost and confused one that I don't show to anyone. Problem is its impossible to keep them separate all the time. It takes so much effort, and I still can't always keep them separate. Amy is invading my space tomorrow night. I want so badly to spend the time with her. But there is not enough time to get everything separated. I'm stuck. And I love Amy, but I hate the fact that she is going to see. My sisters entire family is so critical and condescending of me. EPIC FAIL in 2 days. How can I expect anyone else to cherish me, when I don't cherish myself. Dear Jesus...you need to take this from me. I need you here, I can't do this by myself. Its going to take your enormous strength to overcome this. I am far to weak, I am so weak. I'm weak, I'm a failure, I feel lost and alone. I'm tired of feeling like the world is moving past me at light speed, and here I am circling the drain, about to go under. I don't know how much longer I can take this fight. I am so close to giving up, ending it. And I don't feel like I can even share that, that has to remain part of my dirty little secret. GOD HELP ME!!!! You need to send some sort of healing. Your the only one who can do this, I can't, I just can't continue on like this anymore. I just keep sinking lower and lower....where does it end. Where is the bottom of this emotional quicksand. I'm crying out to you....save me!!!!!!

So much to do, so little time

So I have a ton I want to blog about today. My dream last night. Trying to control my dream...fail! Being conflicted. Doctors. Abandonment. Future to do lists. But I have training this morning, so it will have to wait until later. And Amy and I are having a sleepover on Friday, so tonight will be cleaning, tomorrow will be entertaining.

I know I'm cute!

You know I'm cute!
Now love on me!
Oh my sweet sweet Punky, you have stolen my heart! God knew we needed each other!

Divine Romance

Here's looking at you kid

I was very happy with the scale today 292!!! That's nice. I sort of stopped losing there for a while, and was not real happy about that. If it were a normal diet kind of thing it probably wouldn't be such a big deal, but I feel like I have 100 sets of eyes on me right now. My PCP, my psychiatrist, my patient advocate at the hospital, the dietitian, the psych from the hospital and most of the staff at Med Mutual.

I need to learn how to deal with that feeling of all eyes are on me. I know it is going to be just as bad after surgery if not worse. I know what I now consider to be the food police are going to turn into the food police special ops team. They will be rappelling off the sides of buildings, like Spider man, just to get a glimpse of what is in my lunch. Black helicopters will be deployed to drop the snipers, ready to shoot the double stuff Oreo out of my hands.

I've worked very hard to build this wall around me. Make my self invisible to the world in general. My first thought in the mornings is what can I do today in order to blend into the background. Now I'm starting to venture into new territory. People will notice me, am I really ready for that. And I have to admit...I'm scared. I don't like to say that very often, fear is a vulnerability. Gives people the ammunition they need to hurt you.

But I can't live behind this wall anymore. I'm 40 years old, and I have missed out on half a lifetime of experiences so far. I was 39 when I had my first real date (another thing I don't like to admit to). You know the kind where the guy asks the girl and comes to her house and picks her up. 39 for heavens sake.

On a side note.....This is for Steve.....You remember that comment you made to me at The Boneyard, you know the one..."If I could just put your personality in her body I would have the perfect woman." And the other comment you made to Dean "Well maybe sex with her will be like...Once you go fat you never go back" That is why I'm doing this. Those comments are what made me start to make this change. I thank you for pissing me off and making me face this. But just know you are going to pay for that comment, I don't know how or when yet, but ....karma's a bitch baby!!!!! The old me would be trying to devise a plan to make your thingy shrivel up and fall off. The me now would just like to see you suffer a little humiliation. I hope someday I can come to a place that I will be able to pray for you rather than try to hurt you. But until I get there....consider this your one an only warning....watch your back because I'm gunning for you.

This was written for someone specific

This was an email I sent to someone who I would like to have as a friend at least I hope a new friend, but I wanted to cross post it here for me to be able to look back on at it, see if I change my view on this as I grow and evolve as the new person I am trying to become.

Pride is not a bad thing. It's when it goes unchecked that it turns into a negative. I feel like pride and humility are not opposites of each other they are compliments to each other. Take my man LeBron James.....he is a proud man, and he has every right to be, he's 24 and look at how much he has accomplished. The key is, he also admits he's not perfect, and he has alot to learn and improve on. He also doesn't take all the credit, he is constantly saying that basketball is a just a talent God gave him, he is just using every opportunity he gets to further himself with that talent. So take the compliments...you deserve them, and just a thank you is enough.
I think this is an issue that comes from being overweight. We are used to putting our heads down, and doing the sort of "Aw shucks" kind of move. I know for myself, I have been overweight all my life and I always assumed that when people said nice things to me it was not genuine, it was more of them trying to be nice and make me feel good. In the end all it did was make me feel like more of a failure. But thanks to my therapist I now take pride in those things which I have worked so very hard for. I am good at my job, really good at it. I don't think it is unhumble (is that a word?) to say that. I have also learned to take pride in how I look. All my life I have gotten compliments on my hair, always thought it was just the only thing people could remotely find to compliment me on. But ya know what, I was wrong. I have great hair. Its thick, just the right amount of natural curl/wave, and a beautiful auburn color. Woman pay all kind of money to get their hair colored like this. And my eyes match, really they are sort of the same color as my hair, and they have a nice sparkle. So know when people compliment me, I take it, I don't question it, and I no longer contradict them, or put my slelf down.
You know what else I have pride in, and so should you...I am a good person. I am genuine and have a good heart. I do my best to never intentionally hurt anyone, and I try to never put anyone down or hate on them. I wasn't always like this. I used to be a very nasty person, but I have worked hard, said alot of "I'm sorry's" and asked for a whole lot of forgiveness to get to here. I've heard you talk about being divorced twice, and from the way you talked it seems like you are very humbled by that experience....but you need to take pride in the fact that you came through that a better person, you didn't let it make you bitter or hate on woman.

So bad its good

Ok this just isn't right. But I have to admit, I have a secret desire to go give it a try.


Watch CBS Videos Online

My Bro

So today is my brothers birthday, and I just want to tell everyone how amazing he is. Just like everyone he is far from perfect, but I have to love the imperfections if I'm going to love the good stuff. He is always there for me ALWAYS no matter what. He trusts me....its weird how that is something I like about him. Its nice to have someone have faith in you. He keeps my secrets, if I say "Don't tell Mom", he doesn't. He is a real well rounded man. He can be big and burly when needed, rescues damsels in distress, fights for the downtrodden. But he can also cook, even to the point he can create his own recipes. He knows style, not like weird fashion style, but he gets color and proportion and stuff like that. He's super creative, his mind is always working. He's funny, and I think he's handsome.

In my opinion, the fact that there is no woman in his life proves how shallow women really are. If the right girl would come along, he would lay the world at her feet. I am just so glad that he is smart enough not to fall for just any bimbo. He knows he is a good catch, and is waiting for a deserving woman.

Socks has left the building

So sad! Socks had to be put to sleep this weekend. He had cancer of the jaw. Godspeed Socks, I am sure you will be missed by many.

Getting it straight

So I was reading through the posts I have put up the past week or so and I really sound like an ANGRY person. I like to think I'm not an angry person, but maybe I'm wrong. Reading this blog, I sure do seem that way. I don't want to be that person. I don't want to be bitter, but it seems like I'm heading that way. So I'm going to try and do better. I am super frustrated right now with the way alot of things are going in my life, and unfortunately I feel as if I have no control over much of it. I will admit to having control issues. I think I'm letting it get the best of me. The irrational urge to control everything is overpowering the rational thought process. I really need to get this under control.....can you believe I just said that. I need to control my need to control. Shesh, I'm a mess.

Heros

So I have been thinking about this quite a bit since the Micheal Phelps incident. Talking with a coworker the other day brought it back in the front of my mind. So what does it take to make someone a hero? Is it OK, that so often we classify movie stars and athletes as heroes. Should being famous really be a qualification for hero status?

The conversation I was having with the coworker was about someone stealing Lance Armstrong's bike. I thought it was stupid, stealing is bad enough, but really, Lance's bike. My coworker sort of said good he's and a** anyways (not exact quote, but you get the point). I was shocked, I asked why she didn't like him. Her reasoning was because he broke up with Sheryl Crow when she had breast cancer. For the record. She didn't find out about the cancer until a couple of weeks AFTER the official announcement they had broken up. And that is only one side of the story, and remember there are always two sides. Furthermore, Sheryl Crow came out and said it was a mutual decision, so how does that make him an a**.

Back to Hero's....here are a few of mine.....

--Lance Armstrong.....He is conceited, he is egotistical, but he is a champion in every sense of the word. He didn't whine about his lot in life, he didn't expect anyone else to fix it for him. He looked cancer in the eye and kicked the crap out of it.

--LeBron James.....He also happens to be my husband in my dreams. Even though I did cheat on him with Delonte West a couple of months ago (but that's another story). I don't live all that far away from where LeBron grew up, or where his house is now, talk about night and day. Once again, he didn't complain about his childhood, he didn't place blame or point fingers. But he knew he wasn't going to settle for that life forever. He has a talent, he figured it out early on, and he has used every opportunity he was given to make things different. He's 24 and he makes like 80 trillion dollars a year. Good for you!!!!

--My Dad....He grew up in unthinkable conditions. Poor, abusive, dirty, unsanitary conditions. And he worked his butt off to get out of it. I have watched him sacrifice his safety and well being in order to help a complete stranger in need. We never had alot of money when I was younger, but every summer my dad led his family in a service project for a family or organization in need. He worked hard, and sacrificed more. He is now facing Alzheimer's disease, and cancer (for the third time) with dignity and a tremendous faith in God. He gets angry, but has never said "why me". I love and respect him for that most of all.

--David King....Also grew up in what would be considered an abusive environment. Volunteered to serve in Vietnam. Has served in the secret service and as a police officer ever since. He has shown me what it means to forgive. I have seen him forgive others, and he has forgiven me. He has shown me what real courage is. He always steps up to the hard, uncomfortable tasks. He has shown me what it means to have empathy and sympathy. He has seen unthinkable horrors, but has not been hardened by them, his heart still breaks when he sees someone being hurt. He is a living example of what it means to not just talk the talk, but walk the walk. He always has been and always will be the love of my life, my soul mate and best friend.

There are more, but this is getting really long, and talking about the last person is making me cry. I just want to point out one thing....the reason for this entry.....everyone of these people are flawed in some way. They have all made mistakes and bad choices. If you are waiting to find someone who is perfect so you can have a hero.....I hope your comfortable because its going to be a long wait. And it is was my hero Dave who taught me what it means to accept people.....all of them....good and bad. To have hero worship for both the heroic acts and the stupid acts. The point is none of them dwell on the bad, they endure it, learn a lesson, move on and try to do better.

Thanks Dave...I have mad love for you. I love the sweet kind man who loved me when I felt unlovable. I love the man who tells somewhat inappropriate jokes. I love the man that calls me his favorite person. I love the man who gets fed up and loses his temper with his mother. I love the man who whispers to me....usually something that makes me blush. And most of all I love the man who saw the good person inside of me and looked beyond the bad choices and stupid acts and taught me how to become a hero for someone else.

A new member of the family

Isn't she just the cutest thing in the whold wide world. I'm a new mama!!!! She is so tiny, but full of spunk. I just love her. Don't have a name yet, just calling her baby kitty for now.

**** Update 2-24-09 *****

I've almost settled on the name "Punky", like Punky Brewster. Not that I was a big fan, actually don't think I have ever even watched it, but is sounds like spunky and she sure is that.

Certifiable

So what does it take to be certifiably insane? Am I? Could I kick the shit out of someone and then just claim "I had a psychotic break"? I googled it.....it didn't have an answer. Don't think I will ask Dr. Kessler this....I kind of think asking the question might be an indication that you actually are certifiably insane. Oh well...just something to think about.

On being single

So I might make this an ongoing blog entry. Not sure. Check out NEO church in my links, go to the media page and listen to the sermons on relationships and the Song of Solomon. I am very confused. I think I am supposed to be single. I honestly think this is what God has planned for my life. This is been rolling around in my mind....alot. I like the fact that he wants to teach on what a good relationship should look like, but what about those who don't marry. I just want someone WITHIN the church (the church as a whole, the body of Christ). To say it's ok to not marry, it's ok to not have children. Great for those who do, but you are no less of a woman, no less of a christian, and you still are a child of God if you don't.

Are you kidding me!!!

This sounds amazing. I can have Birthday Cake!!!!!

http://rjsdadrecipes.blogspot.com/2009/02/chocolate-jelly-rollsugar-free-of.html

New Quote

When something happens that turns everything up side down.... When normal can't be found, It's time to find a new normal.

LOVE IT

Found it on someone's blog I read. Here is the link.... http://freedom2move.blogspot.com/

Dreams

So for the longest time I wasn't remembering my dreams, but I did last night. I'm glad, I like when I remember them. I like trying to figure out what is going on in my head.

So last night I watched Intervention before going to bed, so thats what I dreamed about. The girl from the show was in my dream and Dave and I were trying to get her drugs from her. We were wrestling with her on the ground to try and get a needle out of her hand. The dream was mostly more of that, then she got better, then I woke up.

The strangest part was Dave. I was thinking about him yesterday. It occured to me that I think it has probably been almost a year since I have seen him. I think Uncle Larry's funeral was the last time. I miss him. I miss him alot. I need a friend like that right now. A friend that never has their own agenda, always puts me first. I have been telling alot of people that I have never had someone that I felt like I could depend on. I am wrong, I can't always depend on him for little silly stuff, but when the shit hits the fan, he's the man!

Quote of the week

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body; but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, a glass of good wine in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO, what a ride!

GO CAVS

So the love of my life just had another spectacular night. Over 50 pts and a triple double. You go Lebron!!!! The game was over sooner than I expected, so I thought I would mess around online a little. I am so glad tomorrow is my Friday. I need that extra day this weekend. I am dreading going to the doctor, but what can I do, I just have to suffer through. Went to Ritzman's to get some sugar free Jelly Bellys, but all they had were sours and gummy bears. Bought the gummy bears, but was very disappointed to not get jelly beans. Oh well...I'll keep looking. I swear I saw then at target before. Well falling asleep sitting here. Time to put Jenny to bed and call it a day.


***Update....So after looking at the replays they decided to take one of Lebron's rebounds away....and with it his triple double. They gave the rebound to Big Ben Wallace. Thats fine and all, it really is just a number, but this seems ridiculous. Alot like hating on someone. Why did they even bother to check it out again. Was it really that important. Do you think that is going to make a difference....he has skills....mad skills, and taking that one rebound away is not going to change anything. So Lebron if your reading this.....props to you.....you will always be a triple double to me.

Things I want to say.....but probably won't

What kind of freaking miracle cure are you expecting in the next four months? I am never.....DO YOU HEAR ME .....NEVER........going to be cured, or say I will not use food as a comfort. I just don't know how much more of this dog and pony show I can take. I am not stupid.....I know I can go to another hospital and lie my way into this surgery. And just what exactly are you looking for. What are the freaking magic words that will make you happy and satisfied. You are a god damn shrink....why can't you understand that there are no freaking guarantees in life. Get over yourself. Every time I talk with people who have had this surgery, I hear horror stories. People who got right in, no problem, you are sane, lets do this. And it backfires, they are not sane, they just don't admit it up front. I am doing this the right way. Once again I feel as though I am being punished for good behavior. I am admitting my shortcomings, putting it out there for everyone to see, and I am not perfect, and never will be. What kind of test are you going to give me to make sure I can handle rude people. Do you have some sort of social obstacle course set up. And Nathan --- I'm freaking tired of your shit too. You set me up for failure....and I'll be damned if I let you succeed. Your going to regret this. Trust me....I'll be getting at least 2 5's on this years evaluation. Sorry I'm not one of your skinny bitches....but you will be sorry if you keep pushing me to the back burner. I will become your worst nightmare. This is why you didn't get Al's job. You are a horrible boss. You may be smart and know your purchasing stuff....but you have no people skills. You are an ass and you act like one on a regular basis. You are inappropriate on a regular basis, and your have just been lucky so far, just wait someday your actions are going to come back to bite you in the ass.

Frustration

I am so frustrated today. I really could use a good primal screem, or a couple of hours of sobbing. Unfortunately can't do that for a couple of days. I have work, then a doctors appt, so it will have to wait. It just seems like the frustration keeps building. I am dreading Dr. Morehead on Friday. She typically frustrates me even more.

Lunchtime Rantings

Has America lost it's mind?? WTF is going on? Who is in charge here? I just looked at CNN and am disgusted. First to the mother of the octuplets.....you should be ashamed of yourself. I am beginning to believe in forced sterilization. People say reproductive privacy is a right....that the government (like China) having family size limits is the ultimate in invasion of privacy. It puts the president, congress and the supreme court right in your bedroom. But come on....14 kids. I cannot have children and until you are in that position you do not realize that having the ability to bear a child is a privilege, not a right. And as with all privileges, there comes responsibility. I'm calming down a bit.....but don't get me started on the bail out..........