I need to vent some anger

F*** YOU! The world does not revolve around you. Get over yourself. I'm so sorry if you have been disturbed. I am not sure what kind of PMS psychotic episode you are having right now, but if it is that bad, stay the hell home. No reason for the rest of us to have to deal with you. I know in your world I may just be an insignificant speck of a person, but trust me you are not much more than that in my world. You have judged me, and made me feel bad for the last time. I will no longer give you the power.



I sort of feel better now.

Some follow up info

So I met with my surgeon on Friday. Everything went great. I had my official weigh in that has me at 311 lbs. Go me!! Now I have to loose 20 lbs in the next 6 months and I won't have to do their special meal replacement diet before surgery. I totally expect to be able to do that. I need to get better at food logging. I am going to worry about one day at a time and after the first 7 days straight that I remember to log I am going to buy a new book. Most likely a cookbook I have been looking at. I think part of my problem is that I make it way to difficult. I make it so complicated that I get tired of it. So I am just doing a basic what I ate list, no weights or measurements yet. Maybe I will add that stuff once I make it a habit. So with that note, I am going to switch blogs and log what I have eaten so far today.

My new roommates.

So I had a new family move in with me. I have taken some pictures to share and am trying to upload them to Picasa now. Click here to view them. They are the first four pictures. The other pictures are of my cats, Jenny, and my bathroom (better known as Clintonville). The new babies are so gosh darn cute. I couldn't help myself and I did hold two of them. Went and saw the surgeon on Friday, I will blog more about that later. Goodnight.

I have been thinking about something my psych told me the other day. We were discussing some of the issues I have that I would like to address and she she started talking about being overweight. It is hard for me to call my self fat or overweight. I know I am, but I just have a hard time saying it. What struck me was how she talked about it in such a calm and non judgemental way. She said everyone has problems, no ones perfect, but the problem with obesity is that everyone can see it. Most people can hide their problems, and only those who are close, or intimate get a real glimpse of the faults. And unfortunately we are such an appearance based society, rather than being seen as having a problem that they need help with, obese people are seen in a negative light.


Then tonight I was catching up on this weeks Dr. Phil shows and I watched a program about anorexia and bulimia. And at one point he included obesity in his discussion about eating disorders. Why is it when we see someone who is obviously anorexic or bulimic, everyone wants to help, there is empathy and grief. But when they see an obese person they assume they are lazy, and out of control. The same issues lie at the core of both problems, but people who are obese are given no empathy and are looked upon negatively. It is seen as their fault, rather than a problem that they truly need help with. Everyone always says, if you just eat less and exercise more, you just need to try harder. But no one ever goes up to anorexic person and says, if you would just eat more and exercise less. No, we offer them in patient treatment and all kind of mental health help. WAKE UP, there are common emotional issued at work here world. Both groups of people have distorted self esteem and body images.

We also discussed my trust problems. There is literally not a single person in my life that I don't believed has talked about me behind my back. And I'm not talking about gossip kind of things, but making fun of me and the fact that I am fat. No one will ever know how incredible hard it is to live like this. To live feeling like there is no one who cherishes me. No one who knows me, and who accepts me for me, rather than always having to look past the chubby girl first.

Unfortunately I have become too comfortable with this isolation. It is so much easier just to close myself off, to keep everyone on the other side of this lovely brick wall I have built. But, this is not who I was created to be. This is the product of the flawed world we all live in. And it's time to take my life back. I have always bragged that I was in control of my life and I liked it that way, but the reality is that I allowed everyone in my life to control me. I let you have the power. The power to make me feel ugly and unwanted. You made me feel like behind that brick wall was the best place to be, because I was so disgusting that I couldn't possibly expect anyone to want to join me back here. Or accept me on the other side. Instead you would all be on your side, laughing and making jokes. Trying to climb over and get a peak at the freak.

WARNING!!!! Be prepared. The freak is quite handy around the house and she is about to break a window in the wall so she can see what is happening on the other side. And then as I slowly get better and more comfortable, I might just build a doorway so that I can join you when I want. And know, if you screw up, and make me want to shut that door again, you might not get a second chance. It is very likely you will be give a one way ticket out of my playground.

Damn I feel good having said that!! I think there is much more I want to say, but its not all clear in my head yet. But it will be, stay tuned.

I hate this crappy feeling

So I have felt like crap most of the day. Similar situation as what I posted on June 3rd. And now that it is almost 1:00, and I skipped lunch, I am starting to feeling better. I realized the common denominator on both days was a bag of raisin, nut mix out of the vending machine. Last week it what the same mix I got from the health fair. I sure as heck am going to stay the heck away from that stuff now. Not sure if it was that, or the crappy fast food I had for supper, I want to try and not have this kind of episode again.

I can't think of a title for this post. I went to the therapist last night. It was pretty intense. I am really ready for this. I think she is going to be a good fit. She is very nice and caring. I don't go back for another two weeks. It was nice to talk with someone about "stuff". I had a ton more to say last night, but was exhausted and went straight to bed instead. Now I don't really want to say anything more than what I have. Maybe I will feel differently tonight.

The good life

Strawberries topped with sweetened ricotta cheese --- does life get any better than this. It makes me want to lick the bowl. I would like to get some chocolate SF syrup to sweeted the ricotta with, I think that would be oh so good. I invited Em over for dinner one night. I should have shrimp kabobs, a nice salad, and some strawberry dessert, she loves strawberries.

Oh what an hour can do

Its been an hour since my last post and I feel completely different. It is very odd, according to my monitor my blood sugar is higher than before. It just doesn't make any sense. I think I might try to make some of eggface's bites for tomorrow. See how my blood sugar does with those in the AM.

Gloomy day

I feel like crap today. Sick to my stomach, my back is all whacked out again, its causing my legs to be all tingly like their falling asleep. My blood sugar readings are high, so I am guessing that is why I feel so tired and disoriented. I'm trying really hard to stay at work, but it hurts to even sit here. I hate feeling like this. I'm going straight to bed when I get home tonight. I will take one load of laundry down when I put Macey out this evening. Then one more load when I bring her in. That's it, other than that I am sleeping. With any luck I will feel perky again tomorrow.

Quote of the week

"Food is not good or bad, right or wrong, it just has consequences in your body."

I don't want to blog about this right now. But I didn't want to forget the quote. I might say more later.

It's burning my retinas

Clinton is THE MAN!!!! I have lights above my sink. Unfortunately you can now see, with much greater clarity, just how gross the sink and counter tops are. Maybe next year if I am lucky I will get that taken care of. Tonight is going to be busy finishing moving things around in the office so he can do windows, and tomorrow I might have at least one window that opens and even has a screen! How great is that.

I have had two dreams about Malinda in the past week. I wonder what that is all about? Not sure what they mean, both were very strange and a rehashing of old issues. Wonder if it means I am not really done dealing with the emotional fallout of that mess. Could be my way of cleansing my mind of it. Not sure. I wish I could have a nice Lebron James dream instead though, hubba hubba.

Oh the pain

I threw my back out on Friday while attempting to clean the basement. This morning I felt pretty good, and thought maybe it was going to get better soon. Now after spending more time in the crappy basement, my back is all stiff and messed up again. The office chair makes it worse, so no blog about Macey tonight. She is sweet, and I hope she eventually lightens up and enjoys herself here. I did find out that she doesn't like going down stairs, I had to carry her to the basement, which may be why my back started hurting again. Sleep tight, don't let the bed bugs bite.

Just need to get this off my chest

So Friday was my birthday. Today, Sunday, mom finally brought me my birthday present. Fat cloths from Walmart. GRRRRR. She doesn't get it. Never has never will. Thank God for my evening with Nancy and Clinton. That one evening made up for it. I think I wouldn't have minded the fat cloths if they were something decent. But they are old lady looking cheap stretchy yucky fat cloths. It takes me right back to 3rd grade when all she would buy me is corduroy pants. I wanted to have cloths like everyone else, and she would buy me dark green cords that were too small so the fat would roll over the top and they made noise when I walked. ZZEETT, ZZEETT, ZZEETT everywhere I went.

The present wasn't even wrapped, just shoved in the Walmart bag she got when she bought them. Now I crying like a 3rd grader. I'm totally taking them back and using the money for either a food scale, or a rug for my bathroom. I want to get rid of the shaggy thing Malinda gave me. The color is right, but the look and karma are all bad. Clintonville deserves the perfect rug!

Whew I fell better. I'll blog about Macey later today. She is so sweet, and wounded. That is a prerequisite for being part of my life anymore. Bruised, broken, but not bitter!!!

My Family

So I am thinking about adding a new furbaby to my family. I have blogged about my current family before. I love them very much but I saw this girl was getting ready to be euthanized, and I just couldn't let it happen. I totally fell instantly in love. I called and asked them to make sure she would be safe until I could get there on Saturday. Jenny and I will drive there (about 1.5 hrs) to meet her and see if they get along. I went and bought her some toys and treats for a present from Jenny. I hope she gets along with cats. If not, I will at least pay for her sponsorship so she will not be euthanized, and someone from a rescue group can get her for free. Just because she can't hunt, doesn't mean she shouldn't be able to live. And yes she barks, she's a dog for heavens sake. I wish we could euthanize people who don't work and lie most times they open their mouths. I better stop there, or I will continue to say mean things and I don't want to be that person anymore.

Even my eyelashes are sore

So I am going to need a couple of weeks to recover from the weekend. Very productive. I got about 2.5 yards of my 5 yards of dirt moved. Most of the ruts are filled in, now I just need to work on some of the old garden areas and other various holes. Jim came and pulled most of the shrub mess on the west side of the garage. I will try and post before and after pictures tonight. Actually tonight will only be part way pictures. the after pictures will have the retaining wall and driveway completed. I was going to keep moving dirt tonight, but I really need to get the laundry done, and I will work on pitching stuff out of the spare room. It need to be ready for Clinton to do my windows.

As for my cooking..... All was good. Highly recommend eggface's recipes.

Found my brother's calling in life.

My brother should run some sort of work camp for wayward children! He kicked my ass this afternoon. You can't lie to him, he's seen it all and done most of it already. And he has no mercy when you say your getting tired and the chain is starting to get real heavy. He has this way of rolling his eyes at you that basically says "Suck it up sister" and then tells you to move faster. And once I get the chain wrapped around the bush, I better not dilly dally in getting out of the way or he would have dragged me across the yard with the unwanted shrubbery. And I know he would never hit me with the tractor, but he likes to get very close and watch me scramble and yell, "That's far enough" in sheer panic. I would look up and see him laughing with that shitty grin of his. It was an interesting and productive afternoon. Maybe next time he will let me try driving the tractor. I doubt it, but I can at least start begging now.

A good start to the weekend

It was a beautiful day. Still is actually, it's only 7:11, so the day is not quite over yet. Got 5 yards of dirt today. I am still a little irked about having to actually spend money to get DIRT?? But, such is life. Mom & Dad came and helped me spread about 1/2 of it. Then it was time for them to go home. I think it totally exhausted Dad. I did a few loads after they left, but then the mower started making funny noises, so I decided to stop.

Now I have an on again off again headache, and my face feels like I might have gotten a little burnt. So I am going to get a shower, do some dishes and maybe cook a little. I'm making eggface stuffed zucchini for dinner tomorrow night, so I am going to prep what I can. I also want to make her breakfast bars and Chocolate Kahlua Ricotta Custard. I'll post how much of it I get done, and if it is any good.

Makes me feel good

I just love a coral Gerber daisy. I don't know why but it just makes me feel good to look at them.

Not sure why I chose to blog about this, but there it is. My tummy is grumbly, time for lunch.

Countdown

So its now about 8 days until the big four-oh!! I am excited that I am going to Nancy & Clinton's. They are really going all out for me. It's good to have friends such as them! I got home from work tonight and fell asleep by 5 pm. I have only been up for about 2 hrs and I am going to go back to bed. I did manage to finally capture a picture of my babies on the toy that their Grammy June made them for Christmas. Jenny is barking like crazy, that means she is ready for bed too.

Analyze this!

So here's my dream last night.

I was Tom Sawyer! And somehow I got hooked up with his scary old man. He took me in and we lived on a river. There was a younger boy that lived with us also. I was about 12 yrs old and the other boy was about 5 yrs old. At some point the old man killed someone. I didn't see it happen, I just saw him put the man's body in the river and it floated past me. Only the man wasn't really dead and he got up and came back and killed the old man. Then he started chasing me and the little boy.

We swam down the river. Going like crazy trying to avoid this zombie looking guy. We would run sometimes and swim sometimes. We finally ran into someone else, a couple of other little boys who helped us. We came to a water fall and then some rapids, but lucky for us there were some underwater steps that lead to a cave with a bunch of rope bridges that went all over. So we went in there and hid until the zombie man found us.

At that point he had a gun and he shot at all of us. We all fell into a big pool of water acting like we were dead. But really we were under water using hollow reeds to breath through. But the zombie man thought we were dead and left. Then we thanked the other boys who helped and went back to where we lived on the river. At that point I woke up.

So what does it mean? I have decided I was all three people, the crazy old man, Tom Sawyer, and the little boy. The old man being who I am now (10 days away from being 40). Tom Sawyer is sort of my emotional self. In alot of ways I never really grew beyond my early teens. I tend to hide that away, don't want to get hurt. And then the little boy is my inner child.

It seems like the actions of my 40 yr old self is affecting my emotional self and my inner child. They are having to scramble to protect themselves from the craziness I cause. What do you think?

The 40 yr old thinks it is a big load of crap, but you never know.

Spring Fairies

Just thought the world would want to know that my spring fairy name is:

Iris Twinkle-Toes

http://www.quizopolis.com/spring_fairy_name.php

Ha Ha! I think that is hysterical.

My office is just about completely unpacked. Just need to tweak a few things. There is this annoying person here talking away endlessly now. I wish I would have brought my iPod in today. His monotone voice drives me nuts. I don't know why he doesn't have any work to do. JUST GO AWAY ALREADY. He's not talking to me, he's talking with Kirk, acting all Mr. smarty pants. He is also very derogatory towards his wife, sort of like she's the typical dumb, helpless woman, kind of stuff. Makes me want to pop him in the nose.

Peach Tea

Target had small "On the Go" packets of Crystal Light Peach Tea on clearance. They were $.48 for a package of 3. I think they are too strong if you use them full strength. So I put one packet it 32 oz of water. However I have found that Fluffernutter LOVES peach tea. It is almost impossible to keep him out of my glass. Until I tried to take a picture of him caught in the act of drinking, then he stops and looks at me like he is all innocent. Now he is all cuddly and lovey. Such a silly kitty. I just love him. I remember how big he was when he was born. His mom was so tired, she could hardly clean him up, I had to help her. His belly was about twice the size of his head. He could hardly crawl around.

I'm working on a grocery list, I want to cook some good healthy meals the next couple of weeks. The rest of the day will be spent getting ready for the week. I need to do laundry, and I want to watch TLC's Big Medicine marathon this evening. I can do that and laundry at the same time.

I love blond jokes

I haven't done a quote of the week in a long time, and I just can't find a quote I liked, but I did find a pretty good blond joke.

Q: Why can't blondes make ice cubes?
A: Because they always forget the recipe.

Life in the fast lane

I have high speed! It is so exciting I don't even know where to begin. I did get a couple of songs off I tunes earlier. So much to do so little time. I'm cold! Freezing actually. Not sure why, it's nice outside. I think I am going to go get under the covers and warm up a bit. I might try to get the yard mowed, and I want to figure out my meal plan for the next couple of weeks. Depending on how I feel I might get groceries tonight.

This is for N

I didn't blog last night, I fixed the washer instead. It got all backed up, out of balance and was making the most crazy thumping noises. Fixed it, then ended up falling asleep at about 8. I went to the grocery store too. That is what tired me out. My back hurt and the top of my legs were starting to go numb. I get high speed tomorrow!!!!! I can't wait. I also get new phone service, which is also exciting. After they get it up and going I think I will get voice mail for and extra $4 a month.

So about the arm jar. I was thinking after I have my surgery we should go to one of those paint you own pottery places and make up the jars. Paint them in fun colors and stuff. I had a couple of other thoughts, like decoupage. I will have to look into what kind of stuff they have at Pat Catans.

Another thing is that a lot of people name their pouch. So I am trying to name it. Any thoughts?

I called my sis last night and told her I needed to talk to her alone, one on one. I asked her if we could meet at the Starbucks in Target one day this weekend? I told her I had something to tell her. She needed to check her schedule and she said she would get back to me. I told my mom not to tell anyone. I know it is killing her. My aunt carol spent the night with them last night, and I have a feeling she told. Now everyone will know. My mom cannot keep anything to herself. It's like bragging in a sick twisted sort of way.

I'm spending the rest of the day today packing the rest of my cube, and packing up some of Kirk's cube.

Mid morning break

Today's a busy day at work, but I thought I would take a mid morning break and do a little blogging. We are getting ready to have a cubicle rearrangement this weekend. It's a mess. Adding to the chaos I have moved the INBOX! Since the days of Adam and Eve there has been a "Construction Inbox" in my cube. Well I packed it up and it will be gone forever. That is causing some stress. Now I have a new inbox located on my desk. Before the contract admins had to take one step in my cube, reach up slightly with their right had drop their requests in the inbox on the filing cabinet. Now, they have to take one step in my cube, and reach down slightly with their left hand and drop the requests in the inbox on my desk. AAAAAUUUGGGGHHHHH, that’s too much change for the grumpy old men to take in one week. I will have to do a major cookie bake again to make up for this. Maybe I will just make a few batches of the luscious cream cheese brownies. Then once again I will be the love of their lives. Tonight I need to fix the washer and sweep the basement floor. Not sure what exactly went wrong with the washer, but I hope it will be an easy fix. I will update. I also need to call the insurance company. Might try to locate some old receipts too, just to figure out who has my weight records. I would like to get at this early, so I don't have to make all the phone calls at once, and so I have time to fill in some blanks if needed. Might start a letter about why I want the surgery too, that way it is done already, just in case. No TV. Everything is scheduled to be taped, so I will wait until Friday and have a marathon TV night.

I just might get my do over

This is truly going to be a real gift. I realized this morning that the real beauty in this is that not only do I get to start fresh. But I get to do it with a tremendous amount of knowledge. I know the outcome of poor eating habits and lack of exercise. I have lived it all my life. Now I am being given an opportunity to live a different life, to make the right choices and to experience a whole new way of life. This is a real rare opportunity and I need to make sure I get the absolute best outcome possible.

Imagine Me

So when they make the Lifetime original movie of my life story I am going to insist on having Kirk Franklin, TobyMac, and Mandisa write the theme music.

Tonight is my "educational seminar" for WLS. It's full steam ahead. I am ready to beat this addiction, no matter what it takes. Once I learn what kind of psych help they offer I will decide if I am going to contact the EAP people. I really think I am ready to start to see a therapist. Its wrong for me to keep taking Lexapro without dealing with what got me to this state. At some point I would like to wean off of it, and I need to deal with my problems. "Can't be here next year, givin' you these same tears" Thanks Kirk!!!!

The rest of the week I need to spend cleaning the basement. The washing machine is acting up so I need to deal with that also. I am going to try my hand at cooking some fish, maybe Tilapia, it cooks quick and I need to start getting more comfortable cooking it.

Back to work now. Busy week here. But that's OK because I heart my job!!!!!

Need to focus ... Need Coffee

Haven't had any caffeine yet today, and I am having a terrible time concentrating. I know everyone says that caffeine makes you eat more, but for me it is opposite. It wakes me up, helps me concentrate and I am not always shoving food in my mouth to try and keep me alert, which does nothing but make me even drowsier. I have stopped drinking pop, so my morning coffee is all I get, but I skipped it today. Not a good idea.

For some reason my blog is not blocked by my work Internet anymore, so I will be posting more again. And I am getting high speed Internet this weekend, so I can start to post from home. Maybe I will put more pics up on picasa this weekend.

I'm going to reschedule my dr's appt for later in the month. I just don't feel like dealing with it this week. I wish I didn't have to step on the scale every single time I go there. It would be different if I didn't go every month, but for heavens sake give me a break every now and then.

Well back to the grind for now.

Ready for a new life

For years I have gone through periods of time where the desire to run away has been almost more than I can handle. I have often thought of just getting in the car and driving until the road ran out then starting over again. I don't exaclty know how I would do that but I'm smart, surely I can find a way. Years ago I shared this fantasy with a friend. She asked alot of questions, mostly about what I thought I was running from. I now know that the problems I will be running from will still be there when the road runs out. I can't run from myself. I am going to do everything possible to start my life over again. I really am ready for a do-over. Fingers crossed that it is possible.

I love Flylady

Worked hard on my office today. It's looking good. You can at least see the floor now. Instead of my own blog tonight, I decided to use an email from flylady. I just love her!!!

Dear Friends,Love is a word that is very deceptive maybe even illusive if we lookat it as a noun. It is not something that we can buy and hold in ourhands, it is a word that is filled with action. Love is a verb. Thisword is not just a feeling it is a doing. For years all I ever wantedwas to feel loved. That did not happen because I was looking for lovein all the wrong places; as the song says. I was not going to findthis love coming at me and surrounding me as a fog. I was not going tofeel this love from other people. I was searching so hard for thislove that I never dreamed that it was hiding right inside of me. Thereason we have a hard time finding this love is that the clutter wehave in our heads is standing in the way. When we can address thismost personal of our Body Clutter we will begin finding what we arelooking for.Men and women equate love much differently. For a man to show love heoften reveals it in actions; checking our tires, changing the oil, heis doing something. He may not be good at sentimental cards andflowers which is how we women equate love. This is why we need to lookat the various ways that love is done. How do you love your children?You feed them, dress them, bathe them, and do things for them. We dothe same thing for the critters in our lives. We scratch their earsand rub their bellies. Robert explained this to me this morning. Lastyear our hound dog Lucy died and we got another sweet hound dog.He said that he could sit in his chair and think about how much heloves this new dog or he could get up and go over and pet her. Then hewould be loving on her and she would feel his love for her. It wouldnot be a passive experience just for him but a shared event for bothof them.Then he turned this around. He said when we are loving ourselves weare the giver and the recipient at the same time. That is when heheaded out the door to play in the woods. This is one thing that heloves to do. When you are doing things that you love; you are lovingyourself. With our FLYing way of life we only surround ourselves withthings we love. We turn chores into blessings and release the stressfrom our lives by using routines to put us on autopilot. These are allforms of love but in our female definition of love this is just stuffwe have to do.We have to find ways to show ourselves love the way we understand itand will recognize it as love. But since we are doing it for ourselveswe just don't accept it in the same way we would if it came fromsomeone else. This is why we have a Pampering habit. These are littlethings that we can do each day to pamper ourselves. They can beanything that you can think of to do something nice for you. You cansnuggle with a cup of warmth or curl up with a favorite book ormagazine. Settle into a tub of bubbles or put on some of your favoritemusic. Pick up a flower at the grocery store so that every time youlook at it you will smile. Light candles in your home or put crystalsin the window so that rainbows dance across your room. These alwaysmake me smile.I was taught many years ago by Rita Davenport to fake it till you makeit. I didn't really know what that meant till recently; I just didlike she said. Fake it till you make it, is nothing but practicingtill a habit becomes automatic. Imagine that, practicing lovingourselves with little habits that tell us we are loved by the personwho does those little things that make us feel the love we so deserve.The martyr goes away and you are surrounded by the loving feeling thatyou have been searching for.So practice loving yourself first by simple actions and eventually youwill not do things that you don't love and you will not have items inyour home that do not put a smile on your face. This act of love is ascontagious as your shining sink. You are just shining your heart.

Lazy evening

It is a real lazy evening around here. ARK is in playing video games, and I am doing a whole lot of nothing. Just a typical hump day afternoon. I think I might suggest to ARK that we go to DQ tonight!! Her parents don't pick her up until 9 so it won't be an early bed time like I had hoped. But I will definitely be hitting the sheets early tomorrow night. Another nice day, the neighbors daffodils have bloomed. Mine have another day or so before they show themselves.

Quote of the Week

I think I'm late on this but here it is ---

"Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy."
Ben Franklin

Oh Yea!!! With my new budget, I haven't had a good glass of wine in a while. On the 14th I get paid and I will be buying at least one bottle of Summer Fling. Not only is it a good wine, but I love the name. I hope to also get another bottle of White Merlot. I really liked the last bottle I got. I am going to also try the new Rachel Ray recipe for Linguine with Onions. Yum-O!

I should be working

I should be working right now, but I really need a bit of a break. If I have one more day like the past few my head will explode. I am processing 200+ invoices a day. I have to say, my 10 key input is getting a real workout. I should test myself at home to see what my entry speed is up to. How lame is that. Can we all say LOOSER!!!!!

Tried to play fetch with Jenny last night. All she knows is pick up and run. For some reason she kept hiding her bone in the root vegetable garden bed. Not sure what that was all about. I am going to give her another new bone tonight. This one has two tennis balls on it. We'll play a little tug of war. She has spring fever, running around like crazy.

I think I might work on the veggie beds tonight. Its not terribly muddy over there and it will soon be time to get the cucumbers in the beds. Too late now for peas. I need to either build some dedicated pea beds, or give up on the idea. I just don't have enough room for them. That's a good idea, I might ask JMC to get me scrap wood and work on them this summer, then I will have fresh peas next summer. I can just get some cheap slating and twine to make my own trellis, or maybe erect some sort of tripod over the beds. I'll be checking out http://www.squarefootgardening.com/ this weekend to get some ideas. I think I have enough soil less mix left from last year. If not it wouldn't take much compost to mix up a new batch.

Well that was a nice break.....I think I will take a little walk around and then start back on the invoices again.

Skipped a few days

So I skipped a few days of blogging. I just didn't get to it. Wonderful weekend. The weather has been great. It is supposed to start raining soon, so I am enjoying it while I can. It gives one hope that summer is going to return again this year, just like it has been doing for the past million years or so. I don't know why, but every year I wonder if this is the year my worst nightmare comes true and the earth stops tilting back and forth, and we are stuck in winter forever. I never worry that we will be stuck in summer forever, it seems to good to ever be true. But if we had summer forever, I would never get to see the daffodils and crocus come up in the spring. I would miss that. I just can't wait to see the leaves on the trees again. I should start taking pictures of my trees, and repeat it in the same spot once a week so I have a record of what they looked like. I will have to pick a couple of trees for this. Definitely my favorite tree in the yard, I don't know what type it is, but I call it the Old Lady. It is an older tree with gorgeous white blossoms in early summer. And of course one of the many maples. Maybe I will include the tree that I don't know what kind it is, I can have BK look at it and tell me what it is. Its time to do my housework and get supper. I am thinking though, I should name all my big trees. I'll ask ARK and EAK to help me out. They have great imaginations. We will first have to decide if they are boys or girls. I might even make name tags for them.

Who's in charge here?

It is time for me to admit, I am not in charge of my household. Today I realized that the pets have taken over. The only reason I go to work everyday is so that I can continue to feed their addictions. For Jenny its rope bones, Garra only wants cat candy and tops to pop bottles and for The Fluffster, hand over the catnip and no one will get hurt. After they are satisfied, then it is fine that I take care of other minor incidentals, like the mortgage, electric and heat. I am only their servant around the house. When I even begin an activity that doesn't completely revolve around them, they are quick to make sure to walk on it, under it, or in front of it, so my attention has to go back to them. It's unbelievable. Garra and Fluffer even insist on taking up at least 3/4 of the bed, including most of the pillows. Garra doesn't care so much for the basket I gave her for her toys, instead she would much rather use my shoes!!! And Jenny has claimed the couch I got for Christmas as hers. I can sit in the rocking chair, that's fine with her. She's just a little beagle, but she has a way of stretching out and only leaving about 1/2 a cushion for me. I've been thinking maybe I should add a room on as my servants quarters so I can have some space to call my own.

Finally

It was a crazy day at work. We have been so busy with the weather starting to get nice. I am pretty overwhelmed right now, but hopefully I can get caught up next week. This week is my Friday off, so I only have tomorrow to try and just keep my head above the piles of invoices. However, it was great to come home and see these little beauties in my yard. I love the crocuses. These ones are growing right in the middle of the yard where there once was a flower bed, but I have gotten rid of most of the other flowers already. I have also taken some pictures of the current state of the garage and tree line. I will post them on Picasa so I can link them to my blog.

Thinking about my shade garden

I have always wanted a shade garden, but have never had a good place for one. I have had to choose plants that do well in full blown sun. So with the prospect of finally getting to plant one at my house; I went to http://www.bluestoneperennials.com/ and checked out the deer resistant plants. I want it all!! As usual I made a list of all the stuff I like at first glance, now I will go through and take a better look to make sure they will work in my spot, then I will look at what I can afford. I am starting with deer resistant because my herd is growing. Last year I consistently saw 4 does in my yard in the evenings. Now this year I have twice seen a group of 8. Most of them are older, but two of them look to be yearlings. They have never bothered my vegetable garden before, so I hope the newcomers will stay away also. But back to the plants, I will post some pictures of what I like when I figure out how to do that.

Baby, that's the beauty of GRACE

I am embarrassed by yesterday's post. Not the quote, I love the quote, but my rant after the quote.

Life is not fair!!!!

Thank God, life is not fair, because I don't deserve most of what I have. And I am not just talking about my stuff. I am mostly talking about the love and friendship I have. I have not come even close to earning that.

It only took a few hours after I wrote that post for God to humble me, to bring me right back down where I belong. It is only through his amazing GRACE that I woke up this morning. And I had a warm bed, a nice house to keep out the rain. And two fluffy cats snuggled under the covers with me. How can I even ask for more. I am blessed far beyond what I can imagine. I have done some horrible things in my life, but through his mercy they are forgotten, and I am allowed a second chance.

But anywhere you are
Is never too far away
There’s freedom from your scars
The mistakes that you've made
Forgiven
The memories erased
Baby, that's the beauty of GRACE

Quote of the Week

Charm can mislead and beauty soon fades. The woman to be admired and praised is the woman who lives in the Fear-of-God. Give her everything she deserves! Festoon her life with praises!

Proverbs 31:30-31 -- the message

My first official quote of the week. I decided to use my all time favorite scripture, from my new favorite translation. I keep this close to my heart so that I can constantly be reminded that it is how I choose to live that matters, not how I happen to look. Everyone who reads this should read this entire chapter of Proverbs (here is a link http://bible.crosswalk.com/OnlineStudyBible/bible.cgi?new=1&word=proverbs+31&section=0&version=msg&language=en) Its a short chapter, but full of wisdom for both men and women.

I could go on a big rant about how the media has really screwed up the image of women. You hear that all the time. I am sick of seeing skinny women talking about how the young woman of today have poor self esteem and body image.

Long ago, in my previous life, I worked a hot, stinky, physically demanding job in a factory. There I developed a theory, I will withhold the name of my theory so this can remain a family friendly post. But time and time again, throughout my whole life, I have seen it proven. If there are two woman who are doing the same physically demanding job, and a man walks up on them, the man will always help the prettier of the two. I have discussed this theory with several men, and after careful consideration all have had to admit I was right. For along time I was very angry about this, and I had thought I was over it. But I recently have found that my anger is surfacing again. I am tired of seeing certain women rewarded for how they look, rather than how they behave.

Progress & Afternoon Musing

So I worked hard outside today. Nothing got burned, it was way too windy. But the burn pile has grown tremendously. Hopefully next weekend it will be nice enough to get a fire going.

I cleared the east side of the garage. I haven't touched that mess since I moved in here 4 years ago. It was beginning to get out of control. I grabbed the loppers and cleared out two shrubs. Now I will just need to dig out the stumps or have my brother pull them out. I was able to rip out the stump of one dead bush. Now I just need to drag all that back to the burn pile. I have a bunch of broken up cement blocks that need to be moved also. Those will get hauled over to my brothers house for fill. My goal is to get the west side of the garage cleared out so I have a place to park my lawn mower.

I have been thinking today about work. Not necessarily hard physical labor, but work in general. I like work. Especially outside work. Inside work is fine, if I am alone, or with a select few people.
And I have to say that I have little use for people who shy away from work. I think my grandparents were the ones who taught me that a good days work is good for the mind and soul. I have to say I agree. They both really knew what it was like to work hard.

I am going to start putting my cleaning schedule and meal plan on my calendar. Check it out by clicking the link on the right.

Spring Fever

So the past couple of days have been sunny here. Not real warm, but we have had beautiful blue skies. Today I am heading outside to start my spring yard cleanup. I have lots to burn, so I will have a nice fire to keep me warm. I hope to start the tree line clean-up today too. Lots of brush and junk to clean up so I will have a nice shaded area behind the garage. I might put a small shade garden in with a bench and maybe a place to feed the deer who visit every afternoon. My goal is to clear out all the way back to my paths, and maybe create a couple of new paths into the park. Then I want to extend Jenny's (my dog) underground fence so she has more room to run and chase rabbits. I will post my progress this afternoon.

Sweet Dreams

I just wanted to share a fact about me that no one knows. I don't think I have told anyone about this. I keep having these reoccurring dreams. The dreams are different, but the subject matter is the same.

In these dreams I am married to Lebron James. Yes, basketball superstar Lebron James. How bizarre is that. Occasionally they get hot and steamy, but mostly I just dream about everyday life.

Last night I dreamt that we drove to Wendy's and tried to buy a couple of hamburgers with a $500 bill and they wouldn't take a bill that large so we had to scour the Focus for loose change so we could pay for the hamburgers.

Unfortunately, even though I am married to Lebron James, and am paying for a $.99 hamburger with a $500 bill, I still drive a Ford Focus.

Then I was awaken by my cat jumping on my head. I don't even know if we found enough money to pay for our burgers.

the 5 w's

So here it is... my official blog. I have been journaling all year and I just love it. So I decided to start my blog to share some of my more public musings. Mostly random thoughts and ideas. But I will start with the 5 w's

Who - EGC -- I won't give my complete name of course, so you will have to be satisfied with my initials. If you want to know what the G stands for you will have to ask me in person.

What - My blog -- A good place to put my rambling thoughts. FLYLADY (one of my heros) calls them God Breezes, I have heard others call them musings. What ever you want to call them, here is where I will share whats on my mind.

Where - the official address is --- http://www.google.com/calendar/embed?src=egc%40nls.net&ctz=America/New_York. Not sure what all that gobbeldy gook stands for but I trust someone does.

When - Whenever I feel like it --- Sometimes the journaling bug hits me at odd times. So you never know when I will post.

Why - Because I can, and becasue I want to. Be sure to comment often.