I love this picture. Too tired to try and blog anything right now. Just wanted to put this out there.

Bragging Rights

So, the girl I work with has a real need to be the absolute best at everything. Today my buyer asked for an impromptu report. We happened to both be sitting there when he asked, so she got all serious and acted like she was going to do it. Well, my buyer, my report!!!! So I started the report and she came over giving her two cents worth. Now I will say she is way better than me at alot of what we do, but queries and databases, she doesn't know even a fraction of what I do. Not saying I know it all, but I know more than her. Well, she couldn't figure it out, and left. So I did it my way, what I know best and I just finished the report. Now she and my other buyer are getting all pissy with me. I refuse to apologize for knowing how to write a query. I worked hard at this stuff. I taught myself most of what I know. I am proud of what I know and I like being able to show it off every now and then. I have alot of skills that are not used in this current job. Just the way it is. But I sure as hell am not going to act stupid when I have a chance to use those skills, especially not when it is just to stroke a couple of peoples egos.

ugh

I'm sick. I hate being sick. I came to work today, but seriously shouldn't have. I'm sitting here sleeping with my eyes open. I have 4 more hours before I can go home and go to bed.

It is now 2:30, only 1.5 hours to go. Might as well be 12 with the way my eyes feel. My body is feeling slightly better, still very sore, but don't have an upset stomach anymore. I am starting to get super grumpy. Trying to stay away from most people. A few contract managers are really pissing me off. I really think a couple of them are not able to do simple addition and subtraction, even with a calculator.

3:20...I can make it, I can make it. I should have gone home much earlier. But I felt bad leaving Bryan here all alone. He's sick too. I'm just wiped out.

Still dealing

So I am still dealing with a little of the emotional fall out from last week. I was super scared that I would relapse and eat the house this weekend. Didn't eat the greatest, but didn't exactly binge either. It's really ok though. I have to say, in the past I would still be feeling numb and empty right now. But I'm not. I don't feel great, but I am at least feeling something. I only have to work 4 days this week. Very happy about that. Going to really try to get the house in order with the time off. Not going to be ready for a magazine or anything, but not so bad that I am embarrassed if someone came to the door.

So, something that's occupying my mind right now. The black and white thinking of BPD. I just don't totally understand that concept. I had several episodes this past week that I need to put into perspective. I had very intense emotional regulation issues. I still don't know the real trigger, looking back it seems totally irrational. I am going to write some of the stuff down and talk with Dr. Kessler about it. I just need to figure out a healthier way of dealing with this stuff.

Here we go again

So its time to start the new week. I don't want to. I want to hide away for another day or so. I want to cry all day