Here's looking at you kid

I was very happy with the scale today 292!!! That's nice. I sort of stopped losing there for a while, and was not real happy about that. If it were a normal diet kind of thing it probably wouldn't be such a big deal, but I feel like I have 100 sets of eyes on me right now. My PCP, my psychiatrist, my patient advocate at the hospital, the dietitian, the psych from the hospital and most of the staff at Med Mutual.

I need to learn how to deal with that feeling of all eyes are on me. I know it is going to be just as bad after surgery if not worse. I know what I now consider to be the food police are going to turn into the food police special ops team. They will be rappelling off the sides of buildings, like Spider man, just to get a glimpse of what is in my lunch. Black helicopters will be deployed to drop the snipers, ready to shoot the double stuff Oreo out of my hands.

I've worked very hard to build this wall around me. Make my self invisible to the world in general. My first thought in the mornings is what can I do today in order to blend into the background. Now I'm starting to venture into new territory. People will notice me, am I really ready for that. And I have to admit...I'm scared. I don't like to say that very often, fear is a vulnerability. Gives people the ammunition they need to hurt you.

But I can't live behind this wall anymore. I'm 40 years old, and I have missed out on half a lifetime of experiences so far. I was 39 when I had my first real date (another thing I don't like to admit to). You know the kind where the guy asks the girl and comes to her house and picks her up. 39 for heavens sake.

On a side note.....This is for Steve.....You remember that comment you made to me at The Boneyard, you know the one..."If I could just put your personality in her body I would have the perfect woman." And the other comment you made to Dean "Well maybe sex with her will be like...Once you go fat you never go back" That is why I'm doing this. Those comments are what made me start to make this change. I thank you for pissing me off and making me face this. But just know you are going to pay for that comment, I don't know how or when yet, but ....karma's a bitch baby!!!!! The old me would be trying to devise a plan to make your thingy shrivel up and fall off. The me now would just like to see you suffer a little humiliation. I hope someday I can come to a place that I will be able to pray for you rather than try to hurt you. But until I get there....consider this your one an only warning....watch your back because I'm gunning for you.