AWOL

Haven't blogged much lately, don't know why, I have had stuff that I wanted to say, just haven't said it.

First thing....I had a dream the other night about someone I recently met. It was a nice dream. The biggest thing about the dream is that I felt safe. I thought that was sort of odd. Nothing much happened. We were laying on a blanket looking at the clouds talking and laughing. So it didn't seem like the action was what the dream was about. I just remember in the dream thinking that I felt safe, like my heart was safe, like I could say anything and it would never be used to hurt me. I don't if this was some sort of premonition that this person will be a good person to be in my life, or if it was just me dreaming about what I have longed to have lately.

Second....Mom has told everyone, their brother, and their brothers neighbors about my surgery. I just want to scream!!!! I am so frustrated with the situation. Why can't she keep her mouth shut. This is MINE MINE MINE MINE! I get to decide who knows and when and how they are told. I keep telling myself that it is ok, but its NOT OK. I am fucking pissed off. Maybe that's why I had the dream. I just want someone who will protect me. I guess that is not really what I mean to say. I don't need someone sticking up for me, I can take care of myself. I just want someone who I feel like I can trust my secrets with. I don't want to have secrets anymore. I don't want to feel like it is me against the world.

Third....So when do I tell all. When do I trust enough to show my scars. I know this is a destructive side effect of my problematic self esteem. I don't know how to handle this. I want to keep it all hidden, but hiding is a big reason for my current situation. But when do I let the cat out of the bag? I don't know what I'm going to do. I really do think this is a very pivotal situation right now. I think this is a major life lesson for me. We'll see.

I'm crying now, so i'm done for now. Back to my work, get my mind on something else.